In a stunning announcement, a superstar Oregon Pinot grape grown and cultivated to become a key ingredient for a Jackson Family brand premium wine (the name of which cannot be disclosed due to numerous confidentiality agreements), said it crossed state lines to sign a $50 million contract to work with Sonoma-based CIRQ.
“This harvest, I’m going to take my talents to the Russian River Valley to join the CIRQ. This is nothing against the Jackson Family, but I want to win tasting competitions, and I feel like I can win with CIRQ because of how much money they cost.”
The Pinot grape captured the imagination of wine lovers all up and down the American West Coast for its juicy fruit, softer tannins, and vivid aromas. As CIRQ owners celebrated the announcement, representatives at Jackson Family were stoic. “Obviously we’re disappointed, it grew in our soil,” said one Jackson Family PR rep. “But the grape has spoken.”
Fans looking forward to seeing the grape compete as an Oregon wine expressed their disappointment on social media. “A betrayal,” wrote user @EAHillBilly on X, formerly Twitter. “I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the back with a corkscrew, which is worse than a knife because it’s not really designed for stabbing and it takes longer to penetrate the skin.”
Anticipating the negative reactions, the Pinot grape nevertheless stood strong in its convictions. “I see myself going down two paths,” said the grape. “I could either stay loyal to my hometown, or be loyal to myself. Which one would you choose?”
To recoup its $50 million investment in the single grape, CIRQ plans to price the wine at $50,000,100, and plans to donate the extra $100 to local NPR station KQED, because “that’s the level at which they send you a cool coffee mug,” said a CIRQ winemaker.
